ShropWeb Humor

SNOW SHOVELING

A CALIFORNIA COUPLE MOVES TO MONTANA TO GET AWAY FROM THE EARTHQUAKES

Jan 24 5:00 pm. It's starting to snow. The first of the season, and the first snow we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!!!

Jan 25 We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub was covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came by and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it off again.

Jan 26 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.

Jan 27 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. I bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway, $145 to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow forecast.

Jan 28 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail and did considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Another 8 inches of the white shit fell last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.

Jan 29 Eight degrees outside. More fuckin' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car slid on ice on way to emergency room and was totaled.

Jan 30 Goddamn mother fuckin' white shit keeps coming down. Have put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew his chest open and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and comes down the street at about 100 mph and buries our driveway again! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.

Jan 31 Six goddamn more inches of snow and ice and god knows what other kind of white fuckin' shit fell last night. I wounded the snowplow asshole with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow-blink. I can't feel my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill -22 fuckin' degrees. I'm moving back to California!!